


Missing Moments

by rumbleroarsslumberingcubs



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Steelatom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29724399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumbleroarsslumberingcubs/pseuds/rumbleroarsslumberingcubs
Summary: "At least he lost his body doing some bloody good, playing by his own rules and making a sacrifice for someone worthwhile." Nate shakes his head, unable to accept John’s attempt at kindness. “I’m not worthwhile,” he pronounces fiercely.This is my interpretations of the moments I felt were missing when Ray was posessed by Neron, all from Nate's point of view.
Relationships: Nate Heywood/Ray Palmer, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Kudos: 5





	1. Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I've been binging LoT and I miss these characters so much. When I was watching season 4, I felt like there was so much to write for SteelAtom! This is the result. Hope you enjoy! I'll be updating pretty frequently, all the chapters should be posted in a week or so!

Nate wakes up in the med bay and for a few blessed moments, he doesn’t actually remember what happened. 

He can’t quite put his finger on why his entire body is throbbing with a dull ache, or why he’s in the med bay, but at least he doesn’t know any of the horrifying details yet.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t last for very long.

Suddenly, overwhelmingly, the memories of just a few hours previous come flooding back to the forefront of his mind.

He finds John, Sara, and surprisingly Mick, all waiting for him to wake up.

Panic causes alarms to blare in his brain and suddenly he finds himself angry and ashamed.

“Where’s Ray?!” he inquires desperately, looking from one awkward, helpless teammate to the next.

John, of course, is the first to speak up, being the self-proclaimed expert on all things demonic.

Nate can already tell that the warlock’s response will only break his heart further. Still, he has to know if Ray is beyond his help or if there’s even a chance that he can save him.

“I’m just gonna say it, love. Ray’s soul is in Hell and Neron is in possession of his body.”

Nate freezes as cold terror threatens to overtake him. He can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t even think. Ray’s soul is in Hell, the very last place he should ever be.

“How do we fix this, John?” he finally manages to ask helplessly as tears start to well in his eyes.

John shifts awkwardly. Typically, the man doesn’t waste his time sugar coating the truth but with Nate in such a condition, he’s obviously trying to keep things hopeful.

“I’m working on it, handsome,” John finally settles on, which offers exactly no comfort to Nate who wants a solution _now_.

“It’s my fault,” the historian finally realizes nauseously as his stomach clenches in shame and abject horror.

“Don’t do that, Nate,” Sara says quietly, kindness and understanding evident in her features, “As much as I understand how you’re feeling, I know for sure that you are not responsible for the work of a demon.”

Nate looks away as the sheer guilt gnaws at him, practically eating him alive. 

He closes his eyes, wraps his arms around himself and pretends that it’s Ray’s well-defined arms holding him close with a smile and a few comforting words.

Ray always makes him feel like no matter what happens, he’ll be okay. His best friend always finds a way to make it okay.

But Ray’s not here, not anymore. And it’s all his fault.

“He told me to stay away,” Nate manages to weakly admit.

He bites his lip too hard because he knows that otherwise he’ll start sobbing, and Ray doesn’t need his weakness right now.

“And you didn’t,” Mick finishes for him, but there’s no judgement in his tone. 

In fact, Nate swears he can see a commiserating sort of misery in his eyes.

He’ll ask about that eventually. Just not now. Not until Ray is safe and sound again.

“It’s okay,” Sara promises, “You weren’t willing to leave him behind. You care about him too much and that’s not a bad thing.”

Nate feels his frustration with himself turning outwards.

How can they not understand that he doesn’t want their sympathy or encouraging pep talks?

He wants them to yell and scream at him for letting this happen to their friend. Nate wants them to punish him for losing Ray because he was too stupid and arrogant to listen to the other man.

“He fucking _begged_ me, Sara,” Nate desolately begins, red rimmed eyes pointed directly at the ground.

“He begged me to go, but I thought I knew better,” he continues, scoffing, “I told him he was _stronger_ than Neron. Stronger than a demon? A demon trying to kill his best friend? As if he had a choice. And I just stood there, forcing poor Ray to work even harder to stop that bastard from hurting me.”

Nate pauses to collect his thoughts and rein in his emotions. He can’t stop thinking about how guilty and terrified Ray looked while he watched his own fist beating his best friend.

That haunted face is forever burned in his memory, serving as a reminder that he was responsible for that look because he couldn’t just listen for once in his goddamn life.

“Listen, Pretty—” Mick begins a bit awkwardly, though Nate doesn’t even give him the chance to finish his thought.

“No, you guys listen!” the historian cries out frantically, no longer trying to hide his tears, “Ray’s soul is in _Hell_ going through god knows what hideous torture they can concoct for him, and it was all for _me_!” 

Nate can feel himself losing control, is aware that his chest is growing tighter and tighter, and his ability to breathe is diminishing.

Still, he stands his ground, essentially demanding that the team give him some sort of verbal punishment so he can stop feeling so weighed down by guilt.

Is this how John always feels?

Will Ray hate him when he finally gets out of Hell, just like Desmond hates John?

“Chin up, Natey-boy,” the warlock attempts to comfort.

John’s face is grim as he admits with a defeated shrug, “Neron would have found a way to possess our Raymond no matter what. At least he lost his body doing some bloody good, playing by his own rules and making a sacrifice for someone worthwhile.”

Nate shakes his head, unable to accept John’s attempt at kindness.

He already knows Ray’s a hero. Anyone with half a brain knows that. But Ray should have saved his heroics for someone better than Nate. 

Actually, Nate wishes he hadn’t been so heroic at all.

“I’m not worthwhile,” Nate pronounces fiercely, as though it’s the end of the conversation.

Sara looks like she wants to cut in and give a rousing pep talk as she’s wont to do. Nate usually appreciates her way with words, but he doesn’t want a speech right now.

He doesn’t _deserve_ one.

“Well, you’re clearly worth something to him. So, don’t waste his sacrifice sitting here feeling sorry for yourself,” Mick says firmly.

Sara gives the arsonist a sad look that Nate doesn’t fully understand, but Mick’s words aren’t lost on him.

Though he doesn’t understand Ray’s actions, he needs to respect them. Ray shouldn’t be sitting in Hell for nothing.

So, he devotes himself to bringing Ray back, no matter the cost. He’d die for that beautiful, big-hearted angel any day.

“You need to fix this, John!” Nate turns on the warlock with an intensity that almost frightens the others in the room, but he doesn’t care.

The only thing in this world that matters is finding Ray.

“I’ll try, old son,” John replies genuinely, though his response does not inspire much confidence.

Nate clenches his fists and tries to control his rage. His friends don’t deserve to be his punching bags.

“That’s not good enough, John,” he warns lowly and takes a deep breath.

So, he isn’t actually succeeding at the whole “controlling his rage” thing. Whatever.

“Let’s get a beer, kid. You need to calm down,” Mick reasons before placing what is meant to be a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Nate flinches away, betrayal evident in his eyes.

“Ray is in Hell, Mick! Is that not something you people can comprehend? Because I’m the only one who seems to even give a shit!”

Nate knows he’s being harsh, hates the words as they’re leaving his lips, but he can’t stop them.

He doesn’t want a beer. He doesn’t want to “calm down.” He wants to find Ray and destroy that Neron bastard.

Yet everyone is just looking at him with this awful sympathy that he despises. 

Ray’s the one who needs their help, and these assholes are standing around wasting their time on him?

There’s no urgency! They should be suiting up, preparing, planning, doing _something _to actually help!__

__“You know we care about Ray,” Sara reminds with a balance of firm and soft that only she can pull off._ _

__“So, don’t lash out at us. We want him back just as much as you do,” she rationalizes._ _

__Nate seriously doubts that._ _

__“We need to come up with a plan to pull this off, alright?” Sara continues after seeing his bitter reaction, “Neron is smart and cruel, and I’m not prepared to lose any more of my team. Do you really think Ray would forgive me if I let someone else get hurt?”_ _

__Nate doesn’t respond but can almost see in his head the disappointed look on Ray’s face if he were to find out that more of the Legends died to get him out of Hell._ _

__“John’s the most familiar with Hell, okay?” Sara promises, “He really is working on it.”_ _

__Nate deflates, all his anger and energy dissipating, and all he is left with is overwhelming fear and loneliness that leaves him somehow both numb _and_ in agony._ _

__The historian wipes at his cheeks and under his eyes before collapsing against the chair used for patients in the med bay._ _

__For some reason, Nate isn’t confident he can stand any longer._ _

__“He’s not going to be able to bear Hell,” Nate murmurs in defeat, “He’s too kind for it, too _good_ to be stuck down there with the worst of humanity. He won’t know how to play the game, how to put himself first in order to survive.”_ _

__Sara twists her hair nervously and Nate knows it’s because she sees that he’s right._ _

__She knows, maybe even better than Nate himself, how deep Ray’s goodness goes. Even in Hell, he’ll see the best in the worst of monsters._ _

__He’ll want to help them, and they’ll screw him over as thanks._ _

__John doesn’t say anything as comfort; he can’t dispute any of Nate’s claims, as much as he obviously wishes he could._ _

__Nate feels his throat close as he tries to continue on. He swallows hard to combat the urge to break down in sobs and resumes his grim predications._ _

__“They’re going to hurt him and torture him, probably have already, for an eternity. He won’t be my Ray when—if—we manage to rescue him,” Nate says weakly as he voices his deepest fears._ _

__“The pain and loneliness and betrayal will eat him alive,” the historian finishes._ _

__Mick, who has been listening intently, sits down beside Nate on the edge of the chair._ _

__“Haircut’s a badass,” he reveals, surprising Nate with the unexpected compliment. And since it’s from Mick, who never says anything he doesn’t mean, it’s even more comforting._ _

__Nate nods, because he agrees wholeheartedly, but doesn’t say anything because he’s dying for Mick to explain his sentiment._ _

__“He probably never told you, but that stupid motherfucker once saved my ass in a Russian gulag, taking beatings that were meant for me. I came out fine. He was beat to a pulp yet grinning like an idiot. This is just some more bullshit he’ll come out of stronger.”_ _

__Nate gapes at his teammate’s story. Is he surprised by Ray’s bravery and strength? Not at all._ _

__But hearing about said bravery and strength firsthand is always something that amazes him._ _

__He’s so proud to be Ray’s best friend._ _

__Surprisingly, Mick’s story actually does make Nate feel a little bit better, so he offers the arsonist a sad smile._ _

__Nate isn’t giving his best friend enough credit. He’s counting Ray out before he even has a chance to prove him wrong._ _

__Nate sure hopes Ray will prove him wrong._ _

__“Hate to say it, big man,” John says with a shrug, though he’s obviously faking his cool manner, “but I think a gulag’s a little different from Hell. Ray’s a tough bastard, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up about him coming out stronger.”_ _

__Mick growls, turning on the Englishman quicker than anyone was expecting. Nate is fully prepared for him to punch John in the face._ _

__The historian would be lying if he said he didn’t want Mick to do it, especially after John’s last comment._ _

__Honestly, he just wants someone else to be hurting as much as he is. Which is fucked up, obviously, but grief is warping his mind._ _

__Sara puts her hand on Mick’s chest, separating the two men, though she’s clearly on the arsonist’s side._ _

__“Seriously, John, do you want me to strangle you?” she warns fiercely, and Mick smirks and nods his approval._ _

__It’s nice to see them defending Ray, even when he’s not here._ _

__“Alright, alright, stop your whinging, I’m only saying the lad should be prepared!” John argues crossly._ _

__Nate feels bad that they’re all ganging up on him, but he shouldn’t seem so cavalier when Ray obviously means so much to the rest of them._ _

__“John, you don’t understand. I can’t lose him!” Nate whimpers._ _

__He’s starting to feel sick to his stomach even imagining a world without Ray._ _

__A world without that perfect smile that brightens even his worst, most miserable day._ _

__One where Nate doesn’t have anybody to share in his enthusiasms and interests, one where no one will ever understand him like Ray does, because no one will even try._ _

__He can’t picture a single place on Earth that can’t benefit from Ray’s charming optimism and genuine decency as a human being._ _

__Raymond Palmer is special and perfect; he is Nate’s world, which is why there can’t possibly be an Earth worth living on without his best friend._ _

__“I do understand, mate,” John reluctantly admits, “When I lost Dez to Neron, it felt like the whole bloody world shattered into pieces. Everyone else was able to keep going, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how.”_ _

__Nate nods as he simply abandons his attempts to restrain his tears._ _

__He breaks down, sobbing into his hands, hardly pausing to breathe._ _

__Sara approaches him. He can tell her heart aches, just as it seems to when anyone on her team is in pain._ _

__“We need to save him. Sara, please,” he begs as she gently takes his head and holds him agaist her chest._ _

__Sara shushes and comforts him softly while running her fingers through his hair._ _

__He doesn’t even care that the caresses ruin his perfectly styled hair. He needs her, needs somebody to hold him._ _

__He wishes it were Ray._ _

__Still, the captain has a way with people, so he desperately clings onto her._ _

__“I need him, he’s more than—h-he’s more…he’s everything,” Nate tries to convey how strongly he feels, how it’s more than friendship, it’s so much more, but he can’t seem to get it out._ _

__Sara nods, seeming to understand what Nate himself doesn’t even understand yet._ _

__The historian starts to feel hot and claustrophobic, like all the walls and even space itself is closing in on him._ _

__He rises quickly and without warning, knocking Sara back a bit, though she’s more than prepared so she easily finds her balance._ _

__“I’m sorry,” he sobs apologetically as he looks frantically around the room, almost as though he’s looking for an escape despite knowing that no one is keeping him in the med bay against his will._ _

__“This can’t be happening,” he mumbles to himself, hardly able to see past his tears, “I can’t do this. Fuck—oh god, I can’t fucking do this.”_ _

__Mick tries to reach out a hand to steady him, but Nate shakes his head and the older man immediately pulls back._ _

__Mick’s never one to push touch on anyone. Nate thinks it’s because of that Snart guy._ _

__“You’re alright, love,” John says in the kind of voice you would use with a wild animal, “I’m going to fix—”_ _

__Nate never hears the end of John’s sentence because all of a sudden, everything is too much._ _

__Mick, John, and Sara seem to understand, so they let him leave, though he’s confident Gideon will be spying on him and relaying his every move to the captain._ _

__So, knowing he can’t hide anyway, he makes his way to Ray’s bedroom._ _

__He knows it will be torturous to be around all of his clothes and inventions, vinyls and calendars filled with plans, but he goes anyway._ _

__He can’t be with Ray, so he might as well torture himself surrounded by all the things that remind him of his best friend._ _

__After about a half an hour listening to the _Singing in the Rain _soundtrack and crying, Nate finally begins to calm down.___ _

____Breathing is a little easier now, and even though he hates this musical, he’s able to smile for just a moment._ _ _ _

____He thinks about little Ray, obsessed with the movie, bobbing his head with the strange alien creature he cared for and loved when no one else would._ _ _ _

____Then, there’s a knock at the door._ _ _ _

____He takes a deep breath and reluctantly calls, “You can come in, Sara.”_ _ _ _


	2. Bros?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ava and Nate have a little chat.

It’s not Sara.

Instead of the captain, he sees Ava leaning against the doorframe. Not exactly who he was expecting, but definitely not a bad surprise.

He and Ava are much closer now after spending so much time with each other at the Bureau. 

It’s nice of her to come check in on him, even though he knows nothing she can possibly say will make him feel any better.

“Hey, I sort of heard some of the commotion and I wanted to make sure you’re, well, not doing good or even okay, obviously, I mean of course you’re not—Ugh. Sorry. I just was wondering if you wanted some company,” she asks clumsily, cringing at her wording.

Nate almost laughs. Ava’s sometimes awkward manner is honestly part of her charm, but he doesn’t have the energy to tell her it’s alright.

He really doesn’t have the energy for much.

“Okay,” is all Nate manages to say, but Ava doesn’t seem to expect anything more out of him. 

As soon as she settles in beside him on the bed, he starts to feel a bit uncomfortable.

Everyone on the ship has to have heard his breakdown in the med bay by now. He wasn’t exactly quiet or subtle.

And even though Nate knows he has every right to be freaking out and that no one on the ship would ever fault him for being so emotional, he still feels awkward.

He isn’t a big fan of sharing his emotions when they’re so raw and he can’t control them.

He never really learned how to talk about the hard stuff, what with Hank being so distant when he was a kid.

He can’t even talk about serious stuff with his mom because she always gets too upset and takes on all of his problems herself.

Nate learned, after years of being alone during his sheltered youth, that in order to be taken seriously, you have to learn how to protect and take care of yourself.

Nate’s been physically vulnerable almost his entire life and he’ll be damned if he lets himself feel any sort of vulnerability again.

“Sorry for, uh, sort of freaking out back there,” Nate finally mumbles while laughing weakly.

Ava smiles kindly and pats his knee.

“You’re in love,” she says simply, as if it’s a well-known fact, “No one can blame you for how you’re feeling right now.”

“What?” Nate splutters as his cheeks burn and turn a bright shade of red.

He feels himself start to panic at the thought that Ava knows more than she should, more than anyone should.

“I’m not—why would you think…?” he tries to defend himself but knows there’s no point.

He gives up before he can stumble through the rest of his unconvincing retort.

Nate sighs and massages his temples in an attempt to stave off the massive headache that’s been coming ever since he found out about Ray’s current situation.

“Does everyone know?” he asks in a small voice.

Ava shrugs.

“I think so.”

“Does Ray?”

She shakes her head no.

“Good,” Nate breathes out.

Ava looks genuinely confused by the historian’s response.

“Why is that good?” she asks while studying his face in search of some answer that he doesn’t know how to give her.

“He’s in love with someone else,” Nate sullenly admits, “Everyone knows that.”

The image of the beautiful and mysterious daughter of Damien Dhark appears in his mind’s eye. He tries to ignore the way jealousy rears its ugly head at the thought of them together.

Nora really is someone special, and if she makes Ray happy, then Nate should be happy.

But he’s not happy.

“And I can never compete with her,” Nate realizes aloud.

Ava, now fully understanding Nate’s unwavering belief that his best friend will never love him “like that,” realizes she might be the only one able to help.

“I wouldn’t be so sure, Nate,” she responds confidently.

He glares at her.

Ava hardly knows Ray. Why does she seem to think she’s some sort of expert on the situation?

“Nora may be my book club bestie,” she continues positively, “but Ray is _seriously_ into you. I think Nora is honestly a second choice for him, an attempt to move on, because for some reason neither of you are willing to just admit your feelings for each other!”

Nate pauses, allowing himself to feel hopeful for a moment, before quickly ignoring the little part of himself that thinks she might be right.

Ava, however, can tell he’s starting to see things her way, so she keeps talking.

“He’s trying, and quite frankly failing, to move on because he thinks you don’t want the same thing out of the relationship that he wants. Sound familiar?”

Nate rolls his eyes and shrugs but inside, he’s freaking out.

Ava thinks Ray wants him like that?

“But he’s so crazy about Nora,” he finally replies hopelessly.

“Or is he crazy about the idea of her?” she challenges, “Maybe he’s crazy about the idea of being in love again.”

Nate wants to ignore her, wants to deny the fact that she might be right, but Nate’s an optimist. He can’t help himself.

Still, he wants to protect his heart. With Ray in Hell, he’s pretty sure he can’t handle anything else.

“If I’m being honest with you, Nora’s crush is just that: a crush. Ray was the first man in her life to be truly kind to her. She’s always going to hold onto that. But I really don’t believe that they’re meant to be.”

Nate swallows hard. Ava wouldn’t say all this if she didn’t believe it. She has no reason to lie.

He decides to play along, just for a bit. A little crush talk won’t hurt, might even be sort of fun.

“I feel like I’m _so_ obvious about my feelings for him!” Nate finally opens up, “But he’s never made a move. So clearly, I just need to let it go and enjoy our friendship. Right?”

Ava giggles, which earns her a glare, but she is undeterred.

“Not right!” she cries, “Oh god, Nate, seriously? You’re _both_ obvious! Oh, and oblivious. And hopeless.”

“Thanks so much, Aves, this is super helpful,” Nate responds sarcastically.

She grins and turns to face him.

“You two flirt shamelessly, which would be perfect if you didn’t add a ‘bro’ or ‘buddy’ after every word.”

Nate looks away self-consciously because he knows Ava’s right. He’s not the best at flirting.

Well, not when it comes to guys.

With girls, he feels much more comfortable because the movies he loves so much, they actually teach you how to do that.

No one teaches you how to flirt with your best bro.

And Ray? Well, Nate’s pretty sure that adorable goof doesn’t even know how to flirt at all.

“The thing is, he probably has no clue you’re interested,” Ava continues in amusement, “You idiots practically have a neon ‘no homo’ sign hanging above your heads.”

Nate scrunches up his nose in disgust.

He doesn’t want to be a no homo guy. Those guys are the worst.

Besides, his feelings for Ray are _very_ homo.

“Yuck. I hate that,” Nate admits with a frown, “It’s just that—well, he always emphasizes the ‘buddy’ and ‘bro’ thing, so I do the same. I just figure that’s what he wants.”

Now Nate’s starting to question everything he’s come to believe about his relationship with his best friend.

“You two are sweet,” Ava enthuses, though it’s not condescending, “You’re just a little lost is all. But from everything I’ve seen, Ray feels exactly the same. He loves you. And not as a bro. Just think about it.”

Suddenly, this conversation is no longer fun for Nate. In fact, it makes everything a thousand times worse.

Discussing these feelings, pretending like they even matter, destroys him.

Nothing matters while Ray is in Hell.

This conversation is pointless and painful.

He doesn’t even know what Ray will be like when he gets back, if there’s even a Ray left at all.

“I can’t think about it,” Nate murmurs weakly with tears welling in his eyes, “Not right now. Because Ray may never return and if I allow myself to believe, even for a moment, that he loves me too, I won’t be able to function, let alone find and save him.”

Ava takes his hand while looking down uncomfortably.

She’s nervous. She doesn’t really enjoy opening up about her feelings, which is exactly what she’s preparing herself to do.

Because Nate needs to hear this from her.

“Do you remember when Sara was possessed by Mallus?”

Nate nods: he can never forget that, even if he wanted to.

“That was…awful,” he finally breathes out sympathetically.

Ava looks away for a moment. Nate swears he sees tears welling in her eyes. 

He can’t blame her. Not at all. He finally understands just how terrible she must have felt on that horrible day.

“It is the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life,” she admits weakly, “Seeing the woman I love possessed…I mean, she still looked like my girlfriend. Still looked beautiful—despite the strange, fucked up demon-makeover—yet she was totally twisted on the inside. She wasn’t herself at all anymore. He stole her body and used her like a puppet.”

Nate stares at the ground as his vision blurs.

He can’t think about this right now, can’t imagine seeing Ray and hearing his voice knowing it’s Neron’s words coming out of his mouth.

He isn’t sure what Ava’s goal is in sharing this particular story, but he doesn’t stop her.

Maybe she just wants to be with someone who understands how she feels.

He’s not really in the mood to be a shoulder to cry on, though. He kind of needs a shoulder of his own.

“And then John couldn’t help her,” she sadly continues, “And I thought I was going to die. I thought my heart would literally break and I would die.”

Nate understands that feeling so well he can practically feel his own heart splintering and getting ready to crack.

“But you know what made me strong enough to help save her?”

Nate simply shakes his head, too tired and sad to say anything in response.

“Love,” she answers with a soft smile, “As cliché and stupid as it may seem, my love for her was the only thing that kept me going. Love pushed me to keep her safe. So your love for Ray is not a liability. It just might be his salvation.”

The historian frowns because even though she’s trying, Ava still doesn’t get it.

“He sent himself to hell for _me_. He loved me—cared about me—too much and look where that got him. Add in my love for him, and I’m practically giving him the kiss of death.”

“Come on, Nate, that’s bullshit, and you know it is,” Ava fights back simply, “You’re scared to love him, and that’s okay because love is terrifying.”

Nate wants to argue, but he can’t. Because she’s right.

He is scared to love Ray.

“He’s just so damn self-sacrificing. He’ll put himself in danger for anyone at all,” Nate quietly realizes, “And I don’t deserve that. Even if I did, I wouldn’t want him to. But he will because he’s the most selfless man on Earth. But that leaves me worrying about him every minute of every day because he doesn’t take care of himself.”

“Mm,” Ava hums because she wants Nate to keep digging and discovering.

“I mean, the whole story Mick told me about Ray taking a beating for him in a Russian gulag, that’s just so _Ray_. He’s amazing, yet so incredibly reckless with his own life.”

She nods her agreement. Nate’s not wrong about that, but from what she’s seen, the historian’s the exact same.

“Can I be honest with you?” she asks kindly.

Nate nods.

“You’re all like that. Every single one of you Legends, even Mick. You’d die for each other. Unfortunately, in this business, you and Ray will always have to worry about each other.”

He shrugs because he realizes he doesn’t have an argument for that.

Nate would sacrifice his life for any of them, _especially_ Ray.

“I know you would do anything for him,” Ava reassures, “But this time around, he’s the one who had to be the protector. That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you were in his place.”

Nate bites his lip so it won’t start to wobble, though his eyes tear up again.

He’s pretty sure he’s never cried so much in his life.

“When Ray saved you, he was protecting himself as well.”

Nate shakes his head, immediately defending, “Ray’s not selfish.”

“Of course not,” Ava comforts, “Not at all. But when he sacrificed himself, he knew that he couldn’t live without you. He made that decision because he couldn’t imagine a life without you in it. Because he loves you.”

Nate closes his eyes and tries to calm himself. He can’t keep breaking down; he’s so tired.

Ava stands slowly, seeming to get the hint that the conversation is over. She puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“What you’re going through right now is a true nightmare, Nate,” she empathizes, “But it’s also not your fault. Or anybody’s fault, save for Neron himself. Try to rest. I hate to say it, but I don’t think tomorrow will be any easier. If you need anybody, I’ll be around.”

**Author's Note:**

> Beebo love, love, loves kudos and comments and bookmarks, and I love hearing what you guys think!


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